my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
