You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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