Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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