I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
