She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
