new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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