someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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