I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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