new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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