Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
