My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
