There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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