Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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