Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
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