when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Randomize
