he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
