I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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