Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
True strength comes from lack of pants
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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