In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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