i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
sarcasm needs its own font
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
