WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
they call him Oral-B. enough said
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
