I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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