But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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