Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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