another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
