so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
you didnt know i had herpes?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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