I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
