Dual....:-)
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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