1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
