If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
