I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
