Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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