If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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