I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
