I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
