I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I need moral support for this bender
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
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