so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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