at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
