nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
