Soap is not a condiment
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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