This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
