remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
