she woke up with a sticky ear
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
