Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
