i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Randomize
