i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
