My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
