We're facebook friends in real life
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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