I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
