I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
