I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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