not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
