this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
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